Day 17 → An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Hey guys, it's a short entry today. I've got bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. :(

Instead of one art piece, I want to introduce an artist that I've admired for a couple of years now. Audrey Kawasaki!

Website: My Obsession

Please look and be amazed.

Day 16 → A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Don't want to forget the daily meme! Not after my last massive post.

I think the songs that make me cry are mostly ones with strong memories attached to them. The entire Killer's album "Hot Fuss" can make me super sentimental, because that's what I was listening to repeatedly when I first fell in love in high school.

I can't think of any songs right now that make me burst into tears though. Maybe Amuro Namie's "Baby Don't Cry"? Ironically enough.

I forgot to say that Takuji boarded the plane for Japan yesterday. He called me when I was in class, and I was only able to talk to him for like 30 sec after class ended and he was just getting onto the plane. My heart stopped, just a little. But I was forced to move on to my next class. It's better to distract myself.

( 95 Questions?? )

Guys, I've been a really, really bad person lately. By this, I mean I had promised promised PROMISED myself that I'd do this meme properly. Every day, just as prescribed. But...things didn't turn out quite the way I had planned. This past weekend was just...insane. Which will all be explained later! For now, I have to do...

Day 11 → A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 → A fictional book
Day 14 → A non-fictional book
Day 15 → A fanfic

( 11: Photogenic? Y/N )


( 12: In Which I Cry About Men In Nurse Outfits )


( 13: They Asked for Just One...But C'Mon. Really? )

( 14: Is Non-Fiction...Truth? )

( 15: Nerdy Goodness )





...Am I done? Am I really done??

God. That took forever. I guess this was an appropriate punishment for me waiting so long to get this done.

And the reason why I procrastinated so long was because of my tumultuous weekend. What I did:

Wednesday night: Pillow fight at the guys' house for Wing
Thursday: Quiet day in with Takuji and Takuya
Friday: Early, early morning Black Friday shopping with Heihei, Yeri, Vivian, and Eunju. Later, the ISA Thanksgiving Dinner and after-party
Saturday: Dim sum, and later dinner at the guys' house with Downtown.
Sunday: Study, study, study...and dinner at D&Bs with Brandon and Takuji
Monday: Class, and Devin's surprise birthday celebration

Actually, looking back, and I'm amazed at how awake I am now. I did something every night, mostly with the HI family, and stayed up late. Of course, I slept till noon at least three of those days...but still! I'm so surprised that I have the energy to type all this out. Especially when I've had so many assignments due these past couple of days with school back after Thanksgiving.

I remember in my last entry saying that I was okay with Takuji and my relationship now. But...I think I lied. I seriously broke down this weekend. As in, I cried Thursday night (after I wrote that entry and then realized how much in denial I was), Friday night, and Sunday night (whoo...that was a super big cry).

I said goodbye to Takuji on Sunday. We will hopefully see each other in the future. But this was a final goodbye...to "us". The official break-up that we hadn't had earlier this semester, because it was done over the phone.

He asked me to stay. And I wanted to. Oh, so badly, did I want to. I clung to him Sunday night, and cried long into his shoulder.

But he's right. Even though he can handle the distance...he told me that it was too hard on me. And unfortunately, I think this is true. Though I didn't love Ivan, and though looking back I can see I was using him as a physical replacement for Takuji...I know that this has the potential to happen again. Without Takuji here to physically defend himself, I'm very weak against other guys. Because I know that I can be a really "social" person. And I love meeting people, and getting close to them.

I think that's also my problem with Ivan as well. When we're texting or talking online, we're fine. I even apologized to him Sunday night after I got back from dinner and buckled down at Sinclair Library. I was so distraught at the time, having spent almost an hour crying with Takuji and saying our goodbyes. I felt like I had really fucked things up between myself and Ivan, leading myself to believe I was on the start of something new and great. When really, I was just a stupid little girl in denial and lonely for attention.

And that's just it. It was all for attention. We talked a lot that night online, and I felt like we were closer because of it. But when I see him in person...I still feel mixed emotions. Like, my voice just doesn't come out around him. I feel like I've been pushed down on the priority list, alongside all the other girls in our group. And because our group has expanded so much this semester, that is a lot of girls.

Logically, it makes sense. We're not dating anymore. And logically, of course he would get more friendly with all the girls who have entered our family because we're all friends essentially.

But I guess I miss this past summer, when it was just me and him. And I was the only one he texted, I was the only one he let into his own world. Maybe it's because he had liked me back then, and thus treated me differently. But a part of me really wants to believe that we also had a close friendship that would have developed whether or not he had harbored any romantic notions at all.

I don't like competing for someone's attention. Especially if I place them high on my attention list. It makes me feel inferior. Which is a really bad, and unhealthy way of going about things. But I guess that's why I make so many friends...as kind of a cushion in case the person or persons I want to spend time with the most don't feel the same way.

These days, I've been really talking more to Wing, Jennifer, and Naako. Wing and Jennifer...because the two of them get along really well, and I'm kind of a go-between. I've known Wing for much longer, but Jennifer reminds me so much of Clelie that I get along with her amazingly well. When the three of us are just talking, it makes me feel like my opinion and my jokes really matter. Which is kind of a conceited notion to think about. But honestly, I think everyone does that subconsciously. Hanging out with the people who make you feel like you matter.

Naako and I've been talking a lot more online, when the two of us are bored in our respective rooms. And though she's quiet in real life, I'm starting to understand her more. She likes it when people are nice to her. It's both a high-maintenance and a low-maintenance kind of thing. All I do is listen to her, and let her lean into me...and she's taken to following me around whenever we all get together for HI family gathering. She likes to lean into my side, almost like a girlfriend would to a boyfriend. It's a little weird, but I kind of like it. Almost like having a pet! Ha. Ha. Ha.

I'm still close to Yeri. She gets along great with Jennifer as well, so we had dinner in the cafeteria together. Eunju and Heihei...they've become such a tight-knit duo, that again, I feel like I would have to struggle too much to get close to them again. And I don't have the time or energy to make someone like me.

For now, I'm just going with the flow. Trying not to be too hurt when Ivan jokes around with other girls, because he does an equal amount to me as well...and trying to nurture friendships that I find easy to get in to. Because isn't friendship about connecting with people?

I'm kind of done with all this partying though. Staying up super late every night (4 or 5AM most days that we party), and either taking shots or watching over the people who've taken one too many...wondering how I'm getting home or whether I should just sleep over (which would mean wondering where I would sleep...it used to be Ivan's room, but recently I've just slept in WIng's room), having to be happy and energetic and wanting to spend time with a mass of people. Some days I just want to sit down and watch a movie with everyone. Or put on some music, and no alcohol. Just let the conversation flow.

But the semester is almost done. And at the end of the month, I'll be able to see all of my family again in Texas. Which I'm looking forward to like a fasting man would to a seven-course meal.

I need my time with my family. And I need time to re-group.

Day 09 → A photo you took
Day 10 → A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Time to catch up a little! Sorry guys, yesterday was a surprise pillow fight for Wing...in which Heihei, Yeri and I lured him out to D&Bs, before taking him back to the guys' house, where everyone was waiting for him with pillows. Somehow, he lost his pants in the fight. I have video.

( 09 - If only it were real... )


( D'awww )



A Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I'm spending it relaxing in my dorm room. Though I wish I were at home now, with my family. Takuji and his lab friend Takuya just arrived in Hawaii today, and they're doing laundry and relaxing in my room with me before Shige gets off work to take them home with him to stay for five nights. That'll be around 10PM. After which, around 11, I'll be picked up by Heihei to go Black Friday shopping in the Waikele Outlet, which opens up at midnight. Shopping all night long...? Haha, so tired already!

Having Takuji here started out a little awkward. I was nervous, and scared that I would be hurt and wanting so badly to get back with him when I know logically it's not a good idea.

But I think it's okay. We are friendly with each other, and though I miss him...I now realize I miss him in my memories. Those photos, combined with me seeing him and remembering all his little quirks that made me love him...those are in the past. I don't want to go back in time. I can only look forward.

Things are okay with Ivan as well. Sometimes, it's hard to look him in the eye. But that will probably get better, as we remember how it was when we were friends. Yesterday was fun, even though I conked out early.

I just feel like it would be good to have a little break...just a tiny one.

Today was a quiet day.

Day 08 → A photo that makes you angry/sad

( We looked so happy. )


...This is still a very recent heartache. So far, and yet so near. Indecision that paralyzes me, and makes me want to do nothing else but look in his direction and wish for something that would not have a happy ending.


Here is another long, unwritten entry! Because I'm tired. And I have a scholarship essay to write.

Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy




...It's my mother. Can you guess which one? (Yellow bow)


I like it, because she looks just like me. Or rather, I look just like her. Once, I took old black and white photos of my mom when she was a kid to my high school for an art project I was working on, and everyone I showed the photos to thought they were stylized images of me.

This was her first Christmas in America.

I wish I could write more - about my mother, about her memories, about my memories, about how her childhood photos reflect not only herself, but myself as well...

But I can't. I have papers to write, and loads of homework.

So long, unwritten entry!

Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy

So, before it hits midnight (and because I need a break from the roughly 10 hours of studying I put in today), I want to make sure I fulfill my meme promise! What suits my fancy these days?

I guess I'll post two links, since I wasn't smart enough to think ahead of time to prepare an awesome entry for this. (I'll try to do something good for the next one):

01. IMEEM

02. MLIA


They're both sites I've been frequenting constantly. Imeem, because I've been in desperate need of good, new music. And since my roommate Gemma introduced me to the Firefox add-in that allows you to convert youtube video to MP3 format, I've been surfing Imeem with great fervor to find good songs for me to add to my collection.

Recently, I've been hooked on the Glee Cast Soundtrack. I LOVE GLEE. Enough so that I should've made THAT my "Day 06 Post". But, I think these two sites would be more amusing for the (few) people who read this journal.


MLIA is just...a huge time waster. But such a good, addicting one. I'm not sure HOW valid all of the posts are...but enough of them are so...things that you would see on an average day of your life and go WTF. Awesome randomness that makes an average day even brighter. And it's why I love the site. Because it grounds me, just a little bit, every day.



Things were okay today. I woke up disoriented and lost. Paralyzed, and fearful of even making contact with anyone. I felt better and better as the day wore on. Dinner was great! I ate at the cafeteria with Kele, Kousuke, Kenny, Mami, Akina, and Mike. Friends from coffee hour that I rarely hang out with. And I'm really glad I did. Maybe dinner with Masa and Hiro tomorrow! Because the two of them together are HILARIOUS.

I felt a little more lonely after dinner and walking back to Sinclair. But...I can't really help it. I'm in my moping phase, I think. And I just have to. Get over it. Seriously. Before finals...because I don't want to deal with a broken heart when I need to concentrate on studying.

Day 05 → Your favourite quote

I almost forgot to post my meme of the day! Sorry guys, tonight was a long (but great) one for me.

My favorite quote...that's both a simple and a difficult question for me. On the one hand, there are a lot of quotes that I like. I used to have a quote book when I was younger (during my high school years), which I would fill to the brim with anything and everything I read/heard/saw. I like quotes.

But I suppose, if I had to really think about it...there only one that's really resonated me. Has grounded me, and reassured me, at various times.

"This too shall pass."

...Now, I am not a very religious person. So even though this quote technically comes from the Bible, I'm not really referencing it with a religious connotation. The origin story was basically of King Solomon, who had ordered his most trusted minister to find a ring that would make a happy man sad, and a sad man happy. His minister brought him back the ring, with the phrase "this too shall pass", engraved on the inside.

For me, this quote is almost like a mantra. Or a motto, of my life. It's what I use for guidance during moments when I can't handle the roller coaster of my emotions. I think I am a very emotional person. I can be very stubborn, or nervous, or excitable, or depressed, or suspicious...at the drop of a hat. And I hate that quality about myself. When I feel like I'm getting too into anything, I tell myself that "this too shall pass."

And it really does work.

Not that I'm saying living a live of bland-ness, without any emotion whatsoever...drifting in apathy...is a good thing. But sometimes, sometimes, I gotta reign myself in.Sometimes, sometimes, having a level-head is best.



Today (or rather, tonight) was a good one. Chihiro came into town! I met her first when I was abroad at Kobe Jogakuin. And I saw her again this past summer a couple of times, where she met Brandon, Sherri, and Cullen. And...she came to Hawaii with her family! Her sister is getting married here.

Brandon, Sherri, Max, Ayako, and I (Cullen was at work) took her out to dinner after Brandon and I spent all afternoon with her at Ala Moana and Waikiki. We went to Ryan's, where Chihiro got cutely tipsy. I like hanging out with a different crowd sometimes. It lets me show different sides of myself.

Yesterday, I watched a movie and ate dinner with my HI family. And Ivan and I walked outside, just the two of us, and talked. It felt like...things went back to the way things were when we weren't dating. Something good and unique and funny that I haven't felt in a long time. I felt happy.

Of course, things are sometimes awkward, in my heart. I still feel like I have to let go of Ivan-the-boyfriend...even if only a little bit. I valued him more as a friend...but a part of me also cared for him as a boyfriend. I liked the idea of him treating me special, and making me a priority above other girls. And I have to now become a friend again. Which...was easier and better for the both of us. But I lost a little bit of that special-ness to him...and I think I have to adjust.

It will be good for me to be single for a little while though. I also miss Takuji a lot...and I did even when I was with Ivan (which I tried not to think about). But in the end...I'm not the kind of person who rebounds. Or who goes back on their "mistakes".

Plus, in the long run, Takuji's and my paths are very different. And somehow, it just might lead to another break up if we tried again.

Day 04 → Your favourite book

For anyone that knows me, this is probably the hardest question of them all. I want it to be acknowledged that, no matter what answer I give here, that I might not answer the same way in the future. Maybe not even in the next half hour. But...this is what comes up, as a gut feeling...

Diana Wynne Jones's Dark Lord of Derkhom.

If any of you guys know Howl's Moving Castle (Miyazaki Hayao did a movie version), then she is the author of the original novel. And she is also the author of this amazing young adult book.

I don't feel like I can do the book justice...nor am I really in a mood to talk at length, so here's the amazon.com review:

If, next door to our ordinary world, there existed a world full of magic, wouldn't you want to visit it? That's the situation that Diana Wynne Jones explores in Dark Lord of Derkholm, and she makes an effective and comical tale of it.

Groups of tourists, called Pilgrim Parties and organized by the cold-hearted profiteer Mr. Chesney, take a portal to the magical realm, where they are shepherded about the countryside by a wizard guide. Mr. Chesney sets the rules, such as that all wizard guides must have long white beards--even 14-year-old Blade--and every Party gets to "slay" the Dark Lord. No wizard wants to be chosen as the year's Dark Lord, because Mr. Chesney demands large battles that cause great devastation in the local villages and farms, and he doesn't pay very well, but he does have a captive demon to enforce his will. This year, things are going especially badly for the chosen Dark Lord, Derk. He can't seem to keep his evil forces on the right track, despite help from his son Blade, his daughter Shona the bard, and his griffin sons and daughters. His chief aide, Barnabas, is drinking heavily and muddling his spells. And the dwarfs are taking their baskets of gold as tribute to the one they say is the real Dark Lord--Mr. Chesney.



Read it! You guys won't be disappointed. :)

And honestly, I wish I had the motivation to go into length about why I like it so. Because there are just so, so, SO many reasons.

But the break-up is still clouding my mind. So I don't think I can come up with the energy to enthuse about literature.



But really, I'm fine. I'm happy and relieved, even. I feel like shit because we broke up, but I also feel like he was right. Because really, I had felt like talking with him numerous times before as well about breaking up. I just thought...that maybe I don't try hard enough in relationships. I thought that maybe it was my failings that caused me to panic and break up at the first sign of frustration and hardship.

I guess that decision was taken out of my hands now. We were always better of as friends. And it's a long story, which...one day...I may tell on here.

Night, guys.

Well, I guess now I have something to say...

Tonight marks the first time I've been...dumped. Feels kinda shitty.

Day 03 → Your favourite television programme

I'm going strong on this meme guys! It's great...gives me something to think about other than homework all the time. And that's basically all I've been focusing on this week. My mind feels like it's going to explode. Ha. Ha. Ha.

ANYWAYS.

I don't really watch much TV...so I don't have an ultimate favorite TV program. But if I had to say a show that's really important to me, it would probably be "Friends".

Is this ridiculous? Y/N?

And I don't really have an explanation for it either! Or rather, I do...but it'd be really long and drawn out, and probably wouldn't explain anything. I just like "Friends" because it came to me at a right time and place for me to watch it every evening with my sister. The kind of show where I found the comedy particularly hilarious at that point in time, and the show that bonded me with one of my best friends in middle school. We'd make cheesy jokes and act out the scenes such as Rachel's "shoop, shoop, shoop" skis, or Chandler Bing's "wapow!" whip.

Plus, it was just one of those shows of a generation, you know.


I don't have much to say today. Other than that I'm really, really tired. And that I have so many papers that I should be working on...but the idea of just getting into bed early and watching an episode of Glee before crashing sounds SO GOOD.

Goodnight moon.

"Day 02 → Your favourite movie"

To answer this day's meme...my favorite movie is a bit easier than my favorite song! It's actually a kind of ridiculous one though. Generally, I'm the kind of person that enjoys movies like "Memento", "Children of Men", "Pan's Labyrinth", "Little Miss Sunshine", "Thank You For Smoking"...movies with a lot of depth and layers, something that you sink your teeth into. But as for my favorite movie, it's...

"School of Rock."

...Yes. "School of Rock." This is the one movie I could watch, no matter how many times I've seen it. To the point of quoting scenes (which is rare for me, being someone who isn't actually much of a movie-person period). I'm not quite sure why it resonates with me so much. My first time seeing it was in the band room in high school...my one haven away from home those days. And yes, I was a pretty big band geek. I'm proud of it, in fact.

It's probably because of my bank geekdom that makes me love "School of Rock" so hard. Or maybe it's just my love of music in general (whether I'm the one playing, or just the one enjoying). I love the idea of music influencing young, impressionable minds. The kind of music that breaks down your walls and makes you question all you've been taught before. Doesn't matter what kind of music that is. Whether it's classical for someone who has only ever listened to P.Diddy, or country for a person who has grown up among the punk rock crowds. I like the idea of something foreign and alien coming into one's life, and changing their world.

I guess I also relate a lot to the kids at Horace Green Preparatory School. Especially Zach, with his over-controlling father who didn't want him to play the electric guitar at all. For me, it reminded me of my life when my parents were especially controlling over my future. It's almost scary to think now, of how close I was to entering pharmacy school at the time that I first saw this movie. I'd probably be thick in textbooks and pills by now. I'm terrified when I imagine how different my life could be!

All in all...if I had to give any reason at all as to why that's my favorite movie. It would by the above-stated.

My second favorite is "Love Actually." Just because it's so full of...well...love. :)




Today I missed Colorado immensely. There was something within me that ached to be back there. I especially missed my CSU life. I missed my house only a short walk away from campus, I missed my bright green jacket that I wore between classes, I missed tramping the snow off my shoes when walking into the Lory Student Center, I missed my bus rides to Barnes and Noble, I missed Old Town, and the Spicy Pickle, and Gohan Time, and Which Wich, Noodles and Company, and the bear and fish statue, and the cool shops, and the music festivals. I missed The Bagel Place, and my work there.

And of course, I missed the people there.

But that's the one thing that really keeps me here, and makes me appreciate my life in Hawaii. Though I miss my family (both my nuclear one, and my more ambiguous one consisting of people I've met throughout my life in CO)...I've also carved a place for myself here. And I can't imagine myself without some of the people I've met here as well. Especially my Japanese family from last year, and my ISA family this year.

I can't imagine giving up my schoolwork here. Of course, I really, REALLY miss my creative writing major. If I could have both, I would in a heartbeat. But unfortunately I have no time and no money to double major at UH...not to mention the fact that the WUE (Western Undergraduate Exchange), which allows me to go to UH for in-state tuition, doesn't allow more than one major. I miss all the cool writing workshops I was able to take. And sometimes I lament the fact that I haven't written anything creative since stepping on that plane to go to Japan (which is essentially where my transformation and desire to go to Hawaii took place).

But again, I can't fathom who I would be today, had I not made the move to this tiny island. I love my coursework here as well. I absolutely adore my translation classes...and I love how much more international I've become. My worldview has expanded in leaps and bounds since coming here. No matter how global I thought I was in Colorado (for loving Japan and learning Japanese in a mid-western state)...my self then is puny in comparison to my self now.


...I know all this. And yet I missed Colorado, and CSU, with ever fiber of my being today. Sometime between analyzing renga poetry in my Traditional Japanese Literature class, and joking about シャボテンs in my Japanese Modern Literature in Translation course.

Like tinyangl , I've had a lot of trouble writing in my journal recently. Maybe it's just the season - but for some reason I've had little motivation to update! Which is bad. Considering my entire identity is in here. And I still place so much importance in my ability to write out my thoughts like this. So...when she posted this meme in her journal...I decided to join the bandwagon. Let's get these creative juices flowing!

Day 01 → Your favourite song
Day 02 → Your favourite movie
Day 03 → Your favourite television programme
Day 04 → Your favourite book
Day 05 → Your favourite quote
Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 → A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 → A photo you took
Day 10 → A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 → A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 → A fictional book
Day 14 → A non-fictional book
Day 15 → A fanfic
Day 16 → A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 → An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 → A talent of yours
Day 20 → A hobbie of yours
Day 21 → A recipe
Day 22 → A website
Day 23 → A YouTube video
Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 → Your day, in great detail
Day 26 → Your week, in great detail
Day 27 → This month, in great detail
Day 28 → This year, in great detail
Day 29 → Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 → Whatever tickles your fancy

Today is...Day 01! You know what that means...my favorite song!

And again, like tinyangl ...that's a really tough decision. I've been trying to think about this all evening, while doing homework and itching to write for the first time in quite a while. I think I might have to do what she did...and pick one that I've currently been obsessing over.

Hmm.

And again. This is hard!

A song that has been a mainstay on my playlist since summer (and for me, that is an impressive amount of time) has been Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta Feeling". It perks me up the minute it comes on, especially after a long day, and when I'm trying to boost my energy up to party the weekend away with friends. The minutes the guys put it on at their house, I feel like laughing and dancing. Which is really all I look for in music.

There has been a lot of good music coming my way these days though. Some KPop and JPop (like Brown Eyed Girls, 2PM, Super Junior M...new Base Ball Bear and Crystal Kay...), but also I've been getting into a lot of hip hop and R&B recently. I've never been able to keep those artists apart back when I was in Colorado. But I guess my tastes really do adapt to my circumstances. With my group of friends here, a lot of them like hip hop. And because of that, I've found myself listening to it more and more. And I've come to appreciate it a lot more, in a sense. Because I've never realized how much I would love dancing to Timbaland, or Chris Brown, or Flo Rida...in my room, or in the car, or on the dance floor.

Some decent indie and rock as well! Recently I've discovered this girl who goes by the name of Vedera. I absolutely have been ADORING her. I've been listening to her on IMEEM every day.

Tomorrow is going to be long. And probably stressful.

But in the evenings, I talk to Heyse a lot on MSN. And we just somehow always end up having really good conversations. Like favorite colors (which turned out to be a longer conversation than I thought it would). Or gossip. Or relationships. Or responsibility and hard work. Or the future. Stuff I haven't been able to relate to others here. Maybe I'm just a lot better at expressing myself online, or on paper.

That's probably it. Which is why it is essential that I keep this journal alive and kicking.

2012...AWESOME.



(I need to stop drinking caffeine in the morning)

I was also devastated to note that Hawaii is destroyed halfway through the film. You can even see Diamond Head, and Waikiki. Maybe Devin's house.

Also, this morning I opened the scanner drawer at the computer lab, and there were a bunch of chocolate bars advertising a conference to be held in CO Springs. The design of the bars were so purely Colorado-y, that I was astounded. I don't know why. Maybe it was just the idea that Colorado, my home state and the place that I love most, has followed me all the way out here to Hawaii. It was kind of weird, and cool, at the same time.

Sometimes my reality and perception of myself changes so fast. I wonder if this isn't normal.

There is a rainbow outside! Even though the skies are gray.

Happy "To Write Love On Her Arms Day", everyone.

Happy Birthday, Ivan.

Happy...me?

The thing about being busy is that sometimes you get to the point where you lose sight of yourself. Where you're going, where you've been, and what drives you.

I don't know why I haven't felt like writing these days. Not even that urge, or thoughts that pop into my head saying "hey, this is kind of a cool phrase to use". I say it's because I'm busy. But in all actuality, I have no idea. I could also say it's because I'm opening up to a lot more people, what with all of my friends studying at Sinclair library every afternoon/evening. We fill up those long and tedious hours with gossip and heart-to-hearts. MSN is my friend.

But no, I don't think it's that either. Because it's not like I was a complete shut-in before. I mean, my best friend in the entire world is in Colorado, and if I can't tell HER these kinds of things, then who can I tell? It's not like I'm a terribly secretive person either. If someone asks me what's up, I'll tell them. Though that is entirely dependent on the assumption that they WILL ask. Because some people don't, and my words catch in my throat - as if there were a film there that can't be broken through until someone ELSE takes the initiative to reach out to me. I'm trying to work on that flaw.

So in other words - I have no idea why writing hasn't been on my mind. I'm trying to start up again now though, because it's been such a large part of my life, that I don't think I'd know what to do if I gave it up completely.

This past Friday was the ISA Halloween Party! I was the chair...and I was getting really worn out from all the planning and decorating! It was only a 40-ish person party, but still we attempted to go all out with organized team activities (Olympics), and even an ABDC-style dance competition. I hope everyone had a good time. I thought it was a success! Though one of my committee members was a little too uptight about trying to keep everybody in line and paying attention. I mean, seriously. They're in costume and it's a party. It was supposed to be about having fun, not listening to his long-winded instructions on how to play the complicated games he wanted to do! Oh well. Everyone at least liked the dance competition I came up with.

This past weekend was my last at Starbucks! Yeah! Though I actually enjoy the work...the early shifts were getting to be too much of a strain on top of everything else I've been up to.

Ivan is good. Great, even. There was some tension there (for me) for a little while...but that can be saved for some other time. Right now, Devin came to visit me at work so I should probably pay attention to him.

Yesterday I felt him, more than ever before. The celebratory party will now commence!

I'm feeling pretty good this week. Yesterday afternoon was lazy, and for the first time ever I had time on my hands that I didn't know what to do with. But curry chicken is good, and watching TV while leaning against each other is even better.

Tomorrow I have another early shift, my first one during the week in awhile. And then a midterm! And talk of graduate school...?

My future is pretty uncertain. Both because circumstances change, and because I seem to be really indecisive when it comes to "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE". Even if it's not so much a "REST OF YOUR LIFE" as a "for the next few years (at least). And possibly a "REST OF YOUR LIFE".

That's the thing, isn't it...trying to decide how much you want to invest now and how much you'll get out of it in the long run.

But I think, if I can get accepted and get an apprenticeship or some other kind of financial aid...then I'd like graduate school the best out of all my options. Because it'll give me more opportunities in the long run, and the schooling I'd get would be really useful and interesting. Second Language Studies!

...More later.

I bought a new swimsuit today!!

It's super cute...as in, I can't wait for a time that I get to wear it. Maybe next Saturday, during Joyce's jacuzzi and sukiyaki party! It's my first bikini (I've never found one that I liked enough), from Victoria's Secret. Yay! I want to post photos the minute I get some good ones.

In other news, I'm running on very little sleep again. But tonight I can go to bed early, and be a little more refreshed for tomorrow's 4AM shift than I was for today's. Another all-nighter, this time at Yeri's house! Last night was Heihei's birthday, so we all celebrated at Buca's, followed by another big party. I took an hour nap sometime in there, and spent the rest of the night sitting next to Ivan, both of us drowsy and doing little more than leaning into each other and holding hands.

I admit, I'm still not very confident in his feelings towards me. Logically speaking, I'm sure I have little to worry. But the heart is very sensitive. Or maybe that's just me. And being afraid to ask open and honest questions springs from my insecurities about whether or not he'll take them as burdensome. I guess...I care a lot. About what he thinks and feels. And I don't know whether I can be confident and comfortable enough in my importance to him, to do certain things or talk about certain subjects.

But...we are still new. And things are sweet, slow, and unsure. The kind of awkward young romance that turns your cheeks pink.

...I was right. The weekend was ridiculous. But in a good way!

( Everything Happens on a Friday )

( In Which I am (Kind of) Sexist )
( The REST of the Weekend )

I can't do this every weekend. I would die. But once in awhile makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. (At least, up till the moment I come back down to reality and realize all that I've slacked off on while I was having the time of my life. Such is life, or lack thereof.)